One fine line

 Lately it feels so hard to even breath. Me crumbling on the bed, crying, hugging, comforting my own self slowly becoming a routine. That thought that I can never be good enough keeps haunting me days by days. And little by little I started to become someone that I never know who.

Who is this person that is touched by a single word? Who is this person that hates talking to people? That can’t even smile on her daily face? That is scared about anything and everything? That feels stuffy with her existence? That hates herself as if she is her enemy? That feels so messy, outside and inside? That lives a day to survive a tomorrow? That wishes she can enter a fantasy where all she can do is sleep, like Snow White?

At some point it feels hard to even live. It’s overwhelming. I ask myself again, “Who are you?” But all I heard is the echo from the birds. “Do you need help?” Quiet. “Do you need help?” Same old same old. 

I used to be the person who advocate people to reach for a hand when it’s hard to stand alone. But sitting on the ground, that itself is a huge battlefield with your own self. It’s easier to say than done. It’s easier to judge than empathized.

This never ending war inside me. I guess more often than not, I am scared of my own self. I know it is deteriorating, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I beat my self way too much with all those thoughts. But, if I choose to go, it’s even scarier to go through all the processes alone. Will people understand? Because it seems that I am all alone in the battle. No one neither seems to care or wants to listen.

I talked to a friend, a very good one. The one and only friend that will hear me, without judging. Probably lives quite the same struggle as I do. Probably, if I can quote, what she said comfort me a little bit. How she emphasised its perfectly okay to take one small step at a time.

My first small step.

Waiting for my number to be called. I remember how the nervousness kicks in. My heartbeat rate and blood pressure feels so different. The last time I felt this maybe two weeks ago, when I first had my major breakdown.

The DASS score isn’t looking too convincing. But the first word that I heard — she thanked me, for reaching help. If you asked me how is it, I will say it’s just like entering the room with thousands of miserable threads in the head, but coming out with 5% thoughts unfold. Sorting out your thoughts and feelings, things that you can’t do on your own. 

I am diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. The hardest part is the only persons to know is me, the doctor and 2 of my friends. Oh and probably you, the readers. Probably I am that afraid to let people know. 

Nevertheless, it’s not going to be an easy journey. But I hope it will be a beautiful one. More sessions to go, looks forward to a happy and healthy thoughts in the future, like a butterfly flying around the gardens. 

Because I am a strong person. Insyaallah.

 NY. 

22/08/2021