What kind of person I wanna be?

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

I always thought that making my parents proud and happy is my only goal in life. Yup, I'm always that emotionally attached kind of person. Being a disappointment, I always think I should stand proudly on the stage, as a dean list receiver. Today, my sister received her dean's list and of course, the whole family happily congratulated her. My mom jokingly said “Yaya bila lagi?” but it struck to my heart more than I thought it would.

 I am happy for her, she is my sister anyway. But deep down in my heart, I hate to admit there is that one blackish part that I wouldn’t want it to be there. Hating myself for feeling that I lose, for thinking that I should compete with people that I love. It's not a healthy competition of course, but why I still have such thoughts in my mind. This war of thought happened again in my head.  What am I actually trying to achieve in this life? If, only if I only left to choose one thing in this life, what would it be?

And the only word that came into my mind is --- Happiness.

And that word, is a very subjective one.

For some people, they want to be with people that they love wholeheartedly and for some it would be achieving careers that they aim for, there also will be people just want to enjoy their day with things that they would love to do; travelling, baking, cooking or even the smallest little thing like playing with their pet is happiness for them.

Of course, such things will contribute to it and I wouldn’t say it’s wrong. But today, in this world, I am looking more than that; I really don’t want it to be associated with materialistic things. Because the fact is external things are bound to hurt you regardless of what comes before it. You might feel happy being there with people that you love, but at a point you might feel sad and disappointed with their words, action or emotions. 

I think happiness will always come within ourselves. You are the one who should bring change to yourself. You know, you might read 1001 ways how to be happy in life when the fact is your acceptance of yourself is the key. Take yourself on a stroll, eat good foods, treat yourself better than anyone else. I don’t know if it’s too idealistic, but hey I'm trying everyday to do those things. 

And it is easier to say than done. The contentment that you feel in you, your past, will keep lingers around. I did those things but it’s just so hard to jump out of the box that keeps me trapped in it. I didn’t have the strength to fully look into me. I guess that is us, always have been.

Whatever it is, that is the reality that you can’t choose. Stand up lads, I pray that things will be easier for you, me and us.

NY.