Hi?

Hey, its me again.

I contemplate a lot before I finally found the courage to write again after months.

I know I *told* everyone this is my comfort and ranting place, but hello there is no way that one side of me will not take a stranger perception into consideration. Cant hold that feeling tho :P

Hard fact to swallow, I am still that loser as I was few months back. Time heals, they said. But I'm not making that much progress. At one point, it feels like everyone is giving up on me, even when they don't. 

Friends that I love, are annoyed with my non stop break down tweets and stories.

A guy that I like, step by step walking away from me. 

My family, they must be disappointed when they listened to my truth reality. 

Probably they are just my imagination, when I am the one who is tired of running this journey. 

Wouldn't blame anyone, I am getting sick of me too. I feel so sorry for myself, to get an owner who keep loathing herself and losing it days by days. I dont know where it began, I hate myself THAT much. No matter  how much I am putting my efforts, why does everything seems to be going wrong? Why can't I get my head straight in the game like everyone?  I can't help but feeling bad about myself (?) whenever I look  at someone else.

Sometimes, I hope there will be a person that is willing to hug me whenever I feel so down. Even when I tend to chase them away. That one part of me are not comfortable with letting people to be there, helping me. I mean, in the end, it is my struggle and only mine. At one point,  I don't think I deserve them. I started to keep myself away from everyone. I have trouble talking with my good friends. Even when I sit there with them, it feels as if I don't deserve to remain in the circle. In the end, I decided to stay alone, feeling they better off without me.

I mean, its not like I don't try my best to keep myself fit in with everyone, I wish I can talk to each one of them, making jokes, don't have to try hard enough to be there, without feeling an absence, like I shouldn't be there. Just like everyone else. I really want to go back to the old me, desperately more than anyone. 

It sounds like I am the most ungrateful person in the earth, ain't I? Trust me I am feeling it too. I actually have the most supportive parents with me. I am THAT scared, I guess. Can't seem to move on with myself from these thoughts, but scared on what the future holds for me. I pray to Allah, even when I am all alone in this world, even when everyone hates me, please don't let me go away, astray far from Him. At this point, the fact that I have Him, is the only thing that keeps me forward. Making me find my purpose of life, Him. 

p/s: BIL was diagnosed with COVID19 today. Still waiting for Kakak & Imran Aslan PCR results. Took my RTK self kit test since I was staying with them last week, coming out with negative Alhamdulillah. Quite worried about my siblings and nephew. If you are reading this, please pray for their well-being.