힘들어

In the name if Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

For the past two years, I have never felt good with my result. Everytime I receive it, my breath feels so hard and all these negative thoughts keep playing in my head. Usually it will take me around  2 to 3 days to overcome this hard feeling. I will be very anxious to think about what else I should do to make it right; to achieve success like others. It feels like I didn’t work enough for it , and maybe it was me who didn’t belong here in the first place. I don't know if it is because my parents are quite expectant of my result, I found myself as a failure when I didn’t reach that point of expectation. Growing up as Wan Nurul Nadia, I think there wasn’t a moment that I can proudly say “I did it!” to my parents. I crave for that moment. Like, I really do. 

This time, I told myself no matter what happened today, I should try my best to adhere to the concept of redha. ‘You work very hard and regardless you should be proud of yourself. Why would you compare yourself with others? Only you understand your struggle, and nothing is more important than acknowledging it. Be content of what Allah decides for you, and you will be the richest of all.’I know I always beat myself so hard for it, thus why I keep reminding myself. But indeed, to accept things as they are is easier to say than done.

The moment I clicked ‘login’ and took a look at my result, I told myself ‘It’s okay. You did well.’ Then this thought of ‘Did I?’ came into my mind. To have these war of thought in my head is really hard. But my heart broke when I saw my parents face. I hate myself even worse when I see everyone passed their exam with flying colours. Of course I am happy for my friends, but I wonder if this is a place for me. I know I have to believe in His plan, but wallahi it is really hard for me. Today is such an exhausting day. I think I just lost my self confidence, I don;t know what I should do anymore. 

I guess redha has never been easy.

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