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Yesterday, a friend of mine randomly apologize for the old days. But why is it hard for my heart to say it is okay? 

What I am going to write today is something that I have been pondering all along. Am I really nice as what people said or is it the hypocrite me that actually living my life somehow?

Growing up as someone that was hated by people is nothing but a hell. I can vividly remember what happened that day. I know we’re cool now, and we can even joke around. I am not blaming them that I actually still feel this way. Maybe I was the jerk, that is why people hated me that much.... when i was just in standard 3, living in my own bubble and might neglected the rest.  But the fact is that ever since, it has been a whole nightmare for me. 

I remember those eyes around me; when my teacher saw the so called rule book: 15.do not be friend with wan - calling them to apologize. I know I was not that favourable among them. But I found that my little self broke into pieces. And little that I know that hurtful experiences keep lingering around me; in my dream and also memory.

Then I realised thats how I started to consider of others opinions. It’s not like I am seek for their validation, but at some point I can’t run from considering in people’s perspective. I am scared of people hating me, with those hyenas eyes. That’s why I try my best to become that best version of me. The reason why I keep losing myself, wondering is this the real me? 

But you know this experience of mine teach me that how important it is to be nice to everyone. You never know how your action actually kills someone inside. No matter even if that person is the most annoying person on the earth; be nice. 

Even at times I keep questioning myself am I doing it because it is good to be nice to people or it is plainly because I am scared if people hate me? You know, even if I say something hurtful to a person that hurt me the most — I always ended up apologizing first because I hate that lingering feeling that I actually hurt someone. I hate if people feel the same way as I am and I hate the feeling when I am in a bad term with them. Either or, I am sure I feel both everytime. 

I remember hearing people say “Trying your best to become a better person is not a hypocrite act.” I definitely understand that. But there is always a time where I am scared. Scared of myself; of this hyprocrite side of me. This is one of the insecurity that I could never tell the world. I am scared. Indeed, I am scared.

03082020.