Ego

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Day 30 of RMO.

7 days towards Ramadhan.

These days, I am not feeling so good. Going through this sudden emotional breakdown feels weird. It feels like I am  a volcano, waiting time to erupt. But, more often than not, no matter how angry or sad I am, I will tell myself to just keep my mouth shut. Because I remember, the last time I exploded, things gone wrong --

That day, it was just like any other day where you supposed to spend it beautifully with your friends. I don't know what went wrong, but suddenly I lost two of my best friends. It happened so fast, the person you were laughing with in the morning, turned into a stranger in just a blink of eyes. If I was to blame someone, it would be me, my egomaniac ass and I.

I remembered uttering those hurtful words -- "Kau hiduplah dengan rasa bersalah tu" "Aku benci kau",  entah syaitan apa lah yang merasuk aku ketika itu. What an egomaniac I was kan? Saying those words when someone apologized. Of course, they made a mistake. But, so did you, Nadia.

That is what people always do. Upholding the ego inside them. Always be the first to blame others when anything bad happened, believing that you are the one who is right, without considering who are they affecting and hurting. 

In the end, I was caught in my own words. Maybe it will be me who 'hidup dengan rasa bersalah' for the rest of my life. I can't help but to constantly think the 'what if' possibilities. What if I didn't get mad that night? What if I forgive them that day? What if I try to understand them more rather than judging them? What if I say it's okay and not blame them for what they did?

What happened after that is something that I could never forgive myself for what I did. I destroyed this friendship with people that I used to call family. I contributed to the falling down of two persons' life. Do you what is even worse? Up until now, I don't get the chance to ask forgiveness from both of them. Okay, frankly speaking I don't know if I keep letting go the chances or I am just plainly not ready to do so.

I found myself lingering with that resentment and I realized my ego is the source of struggle. I know sometimes this ego of mine just want to protect my heart from bigger hurt and disappointment. But I know better now that more often than not, this word called 'FORGIVENESS' would make your heart much more at ease. It means you face it, accept it and letting it go. 

Of course, I admit that is the hardest thing to do. When people urge you to just forgive and forget, I understand how it is easier to say than done. But then, I believe it comes with greater blessings. I remember reading surah Al-Baqarah verse 134; "Those who spend (for Allah's sake) in prosperity and adversity, and those who control anger and forgive people. And Allah loves those wo are good in their deeds."

Whatever it is, I pray that Allah grant all the abilities and stengths for us to forgive others for the wrongs that they did to us, bless us with His Rahmah and help us to become a better Muslim in the future insyaAllah. Ameen <3

To you and you, I don't know if you will read this or not but from the bottom of my heart, I apologize for all the wrongs that I did, for all those hurtful words that I said. Thank you for being such a great friend, for listening to my stories, being there whenever I need you, I could never thank both of you enough. I pray nothing but the best for your future. I love both of you, will always do. Please know that, you guys owe me nothing, I forgive you. Our memories together are something that I will cherish forever.

lots of love, 

NY.

16042020.

2.00 am.